13 October, 2011

Swimming through quicksand

I know I don’t normally like to make this place one of negativity and I certainly don’t want people coming here and feeling flat after they’ve read but I have a feeling I can’t seem to shake at the moment, one that is unwelcome and is bringing me down and making me less productive. I thought writing about it might be a good way to get rid of it.

The best way I could describe this feeling is exactly that, like trying to swim through quicksand. I feel no enthusiasm at the moment, in fact I feel rather discouraged. I feel like I am thrashing about, trying as hard as I can to make some ground only to leave me feeling exhausted after barely gaining an inch.

I first started this blog as a way of getting my writing out there in the hopes that I would be able to contribute to Kustom Kulture magazines. And whilst I have already achieved this multiple times in the short 6 month life span of this blog, it’s not really gaining momentum in the way that I had hoped. I am feeling used and taken advantage of and the person I am most disappointed in is myself for not having the strength to stand up for myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for the all the opportunities I have been given and the resulting exposure my blog has received from these. That being said, I am still not being compensated for my time or skills. I say compensated because I don’t necessarily expect money, but something in return for the hard work I put in is a fair expectation I believe.

After all, if you had a friend who was a plumber you wouldn’t expect them to come to your house and change your taps or install a toilet for free. If they were a good friend, they might not expect you to pay or pay full price but you would at least offer and probably shout them a slab of beer or a bottle of their favourite drop.

I see other people around me being successful in their own ways and making money or gaining recognition and I am by no means jealous. Not only am I happy for them but I am grateful for their experience as I know I will be able to learn from them. But it is also quite hard to watch, knowing how hard I am trying and feeling totally clueless. Like something isn’t working. Like I must be missing something. And it’s just so frustrating that I can’t work out what.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful and I am absolutely not looking for pity or compliments or validation. I simply needed to get this off my chest. I have come to a point where I am starting to question my own integrity and I am finding it hard to decide whether I need to keep all my options open and never turn down an opportunity, or start to value myself more and demand respect through authority even if it means I don’t say yes to everything.

I guess I am afraid of burning bridges if I turn down an opportunity that doesn’t offer me anything other than a little exposure. While exposure is great and was very important in the formative stages of this blog, I feel like I have quite a bit under my belt now and it’s quite disheartening that no one else seems to value me enough to offer much, if anything in return.

I’m not good at standing up for myself, I just want to be nice to and help everyone. I can’t help it.

6 comments (+add yours?)

Tony said...

Hey Sheri, Hmmm Tuff one Hey!, You and I are cast from similar moulds. I think in your situation it has come to a time where you must think, where can this take me! the fact that you have the confidence to know that you are worth something has been achieved by doing all the "love jobs", they have served their purpose well.

Of course there are jobs that you will just do cause they are fun, or you really want to help someone, and that's Ok as long as you feel good about it, If you know you are going to feel a bit resentful or taken advantage off, it is time to start saying no to them.

Everybody says it is not what you know but who you know, so it is time to look at every opportunity for "where can this lead too". Granted some opportunities pop up in the most random of places, but I think if you put it out there that you are on a mission and not just having fun with it as a hobby, it will reward you.

Now, that it is all easy to write on paper, if only it was easy to implement and I could follow my own advice ;)

Random: Is the date sheriff badge new or am I just going silly, it looks really good!

Hang in there, you have to believe that good things happen to good people ?? yes??

Sheri Bomb said...

Thanks Tony, all very true. To be honest, just writing this and putting it out there has made me feel better and made things seem a little clearer to me. I also think life in general has been very busy for me of late and I think I've been letting that busy feeling frustrate me and manifest itself in feeling discontent about other things. I do firmly believe that good things happen to good people so I guess I just need to be patient and just keep pluggin away :)

Also, date sheriff badge is not new but it's kinda funny to think you haven't been seeing it all this time haha must be some weird blogger/internet setting or something. Glad you like it :)

Melissa {Suger} said...

Hmm. A tricky one, for sure. I'm going to put together some thoughts and email you. But I do think you need to stop comparing yourself. We all do. Women. Humans.

What you have achieved is great. Don't lose focus. You'll be there before you know it. Where ever there is for you. xo

Sheri Bomb said...

Thanks Suger, I'm sure your wise words will be a godsend. I try not to compare myself to others because what I have here is so different but I feel like I am doing so much and not making any ground while I see others doing what seems like so much less and gaining ground I could only dream of. As I said, it's not jealousy I just feel like I must be missing something and it frustrates me that I can't work out what. I just have to stick to my guns and remember that quality and integrity are sure to win out eventually. Besides, maybe the universe is keeping me free for bigger things to come my way :)

Tony said...

Hey Sheri, You have got it in one, I am on chrome and can see the badge, but if I go back to firefox I can't see it, I always thought that date in the middle of nowhere was a bit strange :)

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