12 April, 2012

I Don't Smile Anymore

You see that up there? No it does not mean I am 'up for it'. Nor do I want you to come onto me. Neither do I want to hear how 'beautiful, sexy, hot' you find me.

I don't need you to validate me or bolster my self-esteem. That's what my friends are for if I ever need it. I also won't be disrespecting the wonderful time I spent with my also newly single partner. And if you are a 'friend' of mine or theirs, you should be even more ashamed of yourself. Beds not even cold yet buddy.

No I am not an up myself bitch - that's just a cop out your internal douche-o-meter is using to make yourself feel better about being inappropriate.

Guess what? I am done being the 'good girl'. I'm done letting people walk all over me or manipulate me into feeling like I can't stand up for myself. Done being afraid that I will be labelled a stuck up bitch or an ice queen.

I am reminded of this brilliant post by Eden, which was inspired by this sickeningly accurate post by Alice (if you're a woman, READ THEM, if you're a man, gain some insight). Now before you get all ranty, I'm not man bashing. I do not man bash. Ever. So chill, I am just venting my frustrations on my own particular experiences and they happen to be sadly very similar to those these ladies have expressed.

But suddenly I have developed this inner lioness. Well, maybe not so suddenly. I have kind of felt it building. From the inside out. First the feelings of outrage. Of humiliation. Of incredulity. I have felt them for a little while now but was unsure how to act on them, how to express them without seeming like a psycho.

I have found my voice. I don't smile anymore.

I've never really been one to care too much about what other people think of me, particularly where it doesn't matter. So why have I allowed myself to be made to feel this way for so long? It's possibly a bit of a societal thing and a little bit of a maturity thing I guess. I've never really been good at or sure of how to handle situations like this.

But I am a writer for goodness sake. By my own admission, my words are my weapons. And in that sense, I use them not to harm others but to protect myself. And so I will.

I handled a situation like this so well the other day. I wasn't rude. I didn't sound up myself. I was just clear about boundaries. I was so damn proud of myself. It wasn't even that hard.

It's a brave new world, feeling like this, feeling like I have this much strength and control.

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