02 October, 2014

Head V Heart

I try to live in my heart, but I must admit I am also a bit of an over-thinker, so I often spend a lot of time in my head, mulling things over and thinking about the what-ifs and the what does it means. Most of the time this isn’t a bad thing as I have a fairly naturally positive attitude and tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. But occasionally something will get to me and I become a bit of a Negative Nancy, at least in my own head anyway. I’m not one to lay it all out on social media or post cryptic status updates hoping someone will see it in a passive aggressive attempt at gaining sympathy.

But that’s not to say that sometimes in my head I don’t rail against everything and stand on a mental clifftop, shouting out into the ether. In fact, I was doing this just the other day as I was working out, using the anger and hurt I was feeling to push myself harder physically and get rid of all that pent up emotion. You see, I was feeling angry and hurt by someone who purports themselves as my friend but lately hasn’t been a very good one. Ignoring me, leaving me hanging when it comes to plans and just generally being crappy and selfish. I had been left hanging that very day without so much as a word from this person and I was PISSED. So I took myself off to blow off some steam powering up the hill next to my street.

Although the physical release had made me feel a little better, the time spent in silence on my own also had me disappearing into my own head and thinking thinking thinking. I had gone from anger to hurt (which is where anger usually comes from) and from there, rather than thinking of this persons actions as a reflection of themselves (which it is) I had internalised it and in my mind, made it a reflection of me. I was not worth their time. Not worthy. Ouch. It stung. And as I trudged home up my street, I was feeling pretty low. Lost in my thoughts, I almost didn’t notice two little girls playing on their drive way until I was upon them. They were two Muslim little girls, a younger one and a slightly older one. They were speaking in a language I didn’t understand and as I crossed their driveway they stopped playing and fell silent. I thought to myself I must have looked a sight with my pink and purple hair and tattoos, red-faced and puffing my way along.

As soon as I was off their drive way, the younger one turned to the older one and said ‘she’s beautiful’.  My heart almost burst! I almost burst into tears. It was such a lovely little moment, and it completely brought me out of my head and out of my mood and back into my heart, where I knew that things would sort themselves out, that it was in no way a reflection of me and that some people are just like that you have to either learn to live with it and adjust your expectations accordingly or cut them out of your life. This person is just one of those people. Always has been and I dare say always will be. So for now, I don’t expect much from them and I won’t be disappointed. However, I’m so greatful for the kind and innocent words from that little girl for completely turning my day around. It was such a great reminder of how easily we can twist things in our heads and lose ourselves in negativity.

How do you remind yourself when lost in negative thoughts manufactured by your own brain?

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