03 April, 2012
Someone congratulated me the other day for how well I seem to be doing with the break up, for 'not having a public meltdown' as they put it. I'm definitely far from that, but I'm still not exactly sure where I'm at. I'm surprised with how well I'm dealing with it but I guess it's because I understand where it comes from and am therefore not taking it personally.
That probably seems like a strange thing to say, but I know that this is something that has to happen for the long term well being of both us and our friendship. It helps that it's not a matter of us not wanting to be with each other anymore. In fact, the truth is far from that. We are still talking or texting pretty much everyday and we hung out on the weekend just gone...and we'll be hanging out over Easter...ok I think we're still going to be hanging out a lot.
But it's really nice that we can be there for each other and I honestly don't think I'd be getting through this with such poise if it wasn't for having each other. Don't get me wrong, I definitely have my moments where it becomes too hard to take a deep breath and tell myself it will be ok and my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach leaving me with a sick feeling and the beginnings of a mild panic attack and the tears spill over.
But mostly I'm getting by. And that's helped a lot by trying to keep busy and distracted. By doing things, cleaning, being absorbed by the internet or just hanging out and keeping company with friends. I actually wonder if it's a good thing or not. The being distracted. Is it just masking my feelings, sweeping them under the rug to shield myself from the pain? I'm not good at being alone, I never have been. I guess that's part of the reason this will help me focus on myself.
For all my waxing lyrical about all the things in life I've got figured out I still have a lot to learn. Getting good with my own company is one of them.
Still, I try to keep things in perspective. Last Monday when we went public with the break up was a hard day, made it all seem very real. And on the same day I knew of a soldier who would be kissing his wife and children goodbye for the last time for many months, a fellow blogger who found out she had cancer and was undergoing an operation that very day to have her breast removed. Just a couple of days ago, Eden, one of my biggest blogging inspirations left for 5 days in Africa to tell the poverty stricken truth about the lives these poor men, women and children struggle through.
The things these people are facing are huge. And they are so brave, all taking them head on. Blogging has opened up so many parallel universes to me and the lives that some people are leading are beyond comprehension to me. And yet they get up and do it everyday.
So as hard as this is in so many aspects and as much as it really hurts sometimes, it's deep breaths from me and one foot in front of the other until we all reach a good place to be, even if I have to piggy back someone there.